muffintop's Blog

I have plans to better myself. I always make plans- I plan on making plans. They are in my head. Some are superficial. Some are overly ambitious. Most are ordinary goals that people manage in their daily lives. Cleaning. Paying bills. Finding time for fun and interests. Finding interests. Finding purpose. Finding something in this world to make me want to stay here. Because at the moment I want to go. I want to leave and never look back.

I spent the last week in a depressive stupor. I want to believe in a better time but everyday for the last 4 years has been like living in an empty hole. Im all alone. Im expert at isolating myself- the problem is im just not interested in people. Im not interested in ANYTHING and the simple, genuine wish to be interested in something does not inspire me. Everything that should be enjoyable and natural seems forced. Writing on this blog is forced but I need some sort of record for how fucked up my mental state is on a daily basis and see if anything ever changes.

I know Im the only one who can make changes but give me a break- last week I was suicidal and now Im just back to my usual blank self.

I need some major lifestyle changes. Should I schedule activities for every hour of the day? Is that what it required for me to feel semi-normal?? I saw a psychologist today and he said I have insufficient self-control and that I need to balance activities that are both challenging and pleasureable- I have a complete lack of both of those categories in my life right now. I think I need to stay focused on my 3 big goals: 48kg, england savings and getting through uni. I just cant seem to escape the existential pull.

In terms of everyday functioning, I need to sleep less, exercise more, watch tv less, eat less, study more. Write on this blog more regularly. Committment and belief in things getting better. For me feeling better. Why is it so hard to feel connected to this world?

When did I became a blank? What preceded it and what follows it? Can I lay claim to ever experiencing true, genuine emotions? They say when you're stuck in a negative mind frame, it can change the way you view past events and memories- you start to believe that you have always felt this way and life has always sucked. Born to be unhappy.

Everyone needs a life philosophy. A formula they live by- a personal world view, ensuring that one does not remain an aimless floater. I have contemplated many:

Do I accept that I am emotionally empty and that the only way I am to survive is by going through the motions and adopting a fake persona. Doing things not because I want to but because the only other option is suicide and that is not an option?

Do I try to exert extreme control over every aspect of my life or do I throw caution to the wind and relinquish all sense of self-control?

Do I believe that I am not destined to be emotionally empty and try to seek out the 'golden meaning' in every little insignificant task. Do I rage against the depression and make positive, healthy life decisions even if i dnt feel inclined to?

Do I essentially give up and bring out my dead? Embrace all things doom and gloom- indulge my depression by being as fucked up as humanly possible. Conscious self-sabotage.

Do I experiment with different lifestyles, attitudes, values, interests- I am bound to land on one I like right?

My problem with all of the above is my life-long apathy- somehow I gauged at a very young age that I would never care about things as much as other people do. And that lack of caring is not able to be mended with therapy or drugs or forcing yourself into acitivity. The Uncaring individual cares that they dont care but that doesnt make them care.

All I know, all I am certain of at the moment is that I cant be aimless- for even a day. Its not even about the content or quality of what to fill my time with as long as time is being filled with some sort of activity that I choose. My coping startegy for dealing with the bored restlessness of everyday life has always been TV, food, sleep and staring at a blank wall/thinking distressing thoughts. The result has been that the last 2 years have blurred into a neverending stream of nothingness- like Im caught in some repetitive, joyless routine for eternity. Hell on earth.

So goals- big, small, relevant, insignificant, positive or negative it doesnt matter as long as they are in place, creating the solid illusion that I am alive and living- maybe not well but living nonetheless. My number one goal is losing around 8 kgs to get down to 48kg- I know what the rhetoric to that stated goal would be so spare me. I feel so defeated by my depression that the idea of replacing it with an eating disorder sounds like bliss. It has all the elements of a perfect goal: focus, meaureable milestones, extreme self-discipline and self-control, consistency and change. So a lot of my effort is going to be devoted to achieving this 1 goal. I will make meal plans, I will blog with anas, I will discover sneaky tricks for not eating and for suppressing my appetite, I will go for long walks, I will read about the science of weight loss, I will track my progress by weighing myself and have a thinspiration diary. I want to put my mind to the test. I want to feel victorious and inspired to achieve more goals. Another top goal is earning money and saving money to go to England. Everything is pinned on England. I guess my third would be knowledge, mainly cultural and philosophical- interests are so important in this life, and so each day I should endeavour to learn something new, read something new, listen to something new. They are the three main goals locked in- everyday I should have them in my mind and work towards them. Scattered between those top goals I want to have small weekly/daily goals to work at- whether it is as simple as catching up on all my uni work or initiating a social catch-up. I have to try otherwise I will fall in that dark pit of self-loathing.

So I will keep you updated on my goal-focused lifestyle. Social connections is still a big problem for me and Im sure the toughest issue of mine to tackle- not ready to tackle that one yet. Im going to use this blog as a goal tracker- I hope someone can appreciate what I am trying to fight here- my self really and offers a word or two of support and encouragement.

I am 22 years old. Young by most people's standards but the postponed life leaves me writhing with anxiety. Postponed because I feel like I have not moved an inch (metaphorically) since I was 14; postponed because I dont think I have made a conscious, desired life decision ever; postponed because I feel like I have no identity- I exist that is all. Optimistic choice of word because postponed implies that I am going to start my life at some point. This is why I am starting this blog. To track my progress- to interrupt the random cycle of existence sans life.

The conundrum that afflicts a large percentage of depressed people is passivity and apathy. I cant seem to act upon anything even if part of my mind is screaming at me to fucking get my act together and do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. AN ACTION INDICATIVE OF BEING. I am paralysed by what?....fear?Helplessness?Existential angst?Self-loathing?low self-efficacy?numbness? all of the above and more?
My point in telling you how hard it is for me to care, aside from giving you an insight into my psychic wackness- is to appreciate that committing to this blog everyday (which I intend to do) is unlikely to transpire. I sooo want it to, I want to have the attitude that today is the start of my new life and everything will be wonderful but I know this to be a lie. So while I want to faithfully blog away every day, venting my frustrations and my sadness- I think the motivationless bug will bite me.

I need to change everything about my lifestyle and thinking. It is sort of an exciting prospect because if achieved successfully (which I am greatly sceptical about) it will be a rebirth of the self. Discarding the old self and adopting a new one. I am so ready for the shedding process to begin. Changing the self is no easy task when the self that is morphing is the self that is hated- how can the hated self help the desired self that does not exist yet? I would like to think that my desired self, the one with determination and drive and personality has been deeply suppressed by the black dog but is still alive and kicking.

I am going to devise a master plan and thats what I hope to share with you over the next two months. The escape out of my depression. I dont think 8 years of depression can be tackled in two short months but what do I have to lose right? A failed attempt will not leave me any more discouraged than how I feel now. I am going to narrow my focuses so that I dont suffer from self-improvemet overload. My plan will be broken down into weekly goals and daily to-do lists:

First Week: Physical Health

Key Aims:

-Learn about nutrition, devise a nutrition and exercise plan
-Implement routine, consistency and balance into your lifestyle
-Cut out all the toxic substances that make you feel tired, fatigued and flat
-Set aside time for positive reflection, goal-setting and motivational reading